I started to write this post, as an off shoot for another story.  I think all of this coincides with where I am currently with my life, and how I got there.

This is not going to be a meaty post. Maybe just a summary. But I think it ties in with some of the posts in the religion section and about the story with Kelli,

I think this history points to how I was always looking for her. Like someone that subconsciously knew I wanted, but could only find little bits of her in other women, and by meeting/being with other women, it helped me piece together the jigsaw in my head, of what I was after, what I was looking for.

So….girls.

I was dead shy with girls. I remember having a crush on a girl I was at school with called Sarah May. We we going out with each other. (does it even count then?). That was when I was 11 years old.

My first real crush was a girl called Sharon Healy when I was 12, and we both went to All Hallows School. She is now called Sian Healy, and I am still very good friends with her to this day. I fancied her for years, maybe 4. She was Irish, and had browny-red hair. The seed was planted. Nothing ever become of it mind you, but hey ho.

From that point onwards, I was quite shy of girls. I wouldn’t know what to say, and figured they would always go for other guys.  I think I was probably quite subconscious.  If I didn’t find them attractive, it was not a problem, but if I did like them, I would think they could sense I liked them.  I don’t think I was comfortable with them knowing I liked them, just in case things moved out of my control, and I guess the only way to control what was happening was to keep everything to myself.

I fancied a girl when I was 17, and at art college. She was a red-head, from South Africa, and a bit of a tom boy. I wrote her a poem, to which was read out loud in her class (thankfully, I was not in her class), and apparently, she ridiculed it.

When I was a few months from 19, I had my first sexual experience with a redhead called Sarah, taller than me, and a bit of a tomboy as well. It didn’t last, but I guess something was accomplished.  We went out for a bit, but I didn’t like that her that much.  We didn’t click and I just thought she was rude and lacking in manners.

From then, I went to University, and had nothing but 1 one-night stand in all my years there.:(  Rubbish.  There was several girls I liked, but nothing became of them. I fancied both women, but I guess they didn’t like me back.

Around ’98 – 99, There was a redhead called Joanne, that I had met down the pub once. She was gorgeous. Short red hair, really cute, and a naturally pretty face.  Lovely smile. I had initially met her when I served her at Burger King, and I remember thinking she was gorgeous, but I had not seen her for a few months after that, before the pub.  After a few months of staring at her shyly from across the room, I got the nerve to talk to her and I shook like I was being fried alive. Damn nerves.  We spoke briefly a few times, but she just stopped going down there and I never saw her again.

’00.  I would say that I was really smitten with a girl called Claire. She was very sweet, and a lot of fun, but I always got the impression she was leading me on, but not following through with her promises. I am not sure that it was love, but I was CRAZY about her.  Very hot and cold.  I had met her briefly when we had worked together at Burgerking, but would met again nearly a year later on a train station platform.  We got on well.  I grew incredibly fond of her, but I was competing for her time and affection with a few other guys (who had muscles and cars etc).  What annoyed me about it all, was I got the impression she liked me, but would use that to play off against other people.

Many years later, I would talk to Claire about the whole period that she was in my life, and how her actions had affected me for the years to come.  But it was amicable and we are still friends now.

In 2001, I dated a girl called Gill, on and off, for a year.  Very petite Scottish girl, whom I had met briefly, when she had dated a friend of mine a long time ago.  We got on really well, and I am still friends with her (as I am with all of the women I have dated/been with), but that didn’t work out.  Why?  I don’t know.  The first time we split up, I was gutted and the second time not so much.  Between the 2 periods of dating, I had fancied another girl that used to drink down my pub.  She was called Jana (pronounced Yarna).  She was from the Czech Republic, and I flirted with her like my life depended on it.   But I was always blown out by her.  I had known her for a long time, and when I started dating Gill, she seems a little upset.  Despite the fact, she kept blowing me out.  Maybe she just liked the attention I gave her.

There was a girl that I had met online called Caroline that I flew to New York to see, but nothing materialised there.  I had met her over the internet, and we did get on.  I was curious as to whether there was anything in it.  Turns out…….there wasn’t.  Although I do still keep in contact with her.  I like the way her head works I guess.

I dated a girl briefly called Kim when I was travelling around the world.  She was from Northern Ireland.  I guess we were just seeing each other for a few months and had slept together a few times.  She was nice, and we got on well.  She had some laugh on her, I remember that much.  She cried when I had to leave the country.  I tried to meet up with her when were both back in the UK, but she did not seem interested.

I was casually seeing a girl over here for a bit, but she was a lot younger than I was.  We fooled around a bit, but I didn’t feel comfortable with what was happening, and maybe how I was treating her.  So that ended.

Shortly after that, I had met Kelli.  The rest is history…..

Reflections

I think the examples above are a general summary.  There were a few more passing crushes.  A lot of foreign women.  And  few more redheads. During this period, I had begun to study astrology, an I had been looking at my birth chart, and particularly studying synastry astrology, trying to look for patterns in the woman that I had fancied over the years.  A lot of them had been aquarius’s, and cancers.  There was the odd other sign here and there.  Ironically, not many pisces women, whom fall into my 7th house (the house of commitment, long term relationships, partnerships and marriage).

I have recently looked into this and done an article on my birthchart